Birthday celebration

Happy Birthday to my Hubby!! We took today to celebrate with the kids at home and get some stuff taken care of. Ordered Salsarita's and Carmen and April made banana Pudding. Two of Chris' favorite things. We missed our Sweet Pea! 

We needed the time to come home and be with the kids but  it was really hard for me to do it and enjoy it! Please don't get me wrong, I loved the time with the kids we laughed and Kyle and I even ran to the store together. It was really hard to be there knowing and thinking about Tyler. I was also thinking of Ashley being here all day long by herself.  Last time we went home for the day Ashley's dad was able to come and spend time with her, this time he was not able to come.  

The last couple of days have been emotional. On Christmas morning they took blood and came back to say his white blood count was low, not low to scary point but a we need to watch him point. We were informed they would have to take blood every morning to monitor his blood.  They said they would adjust one of his meds down since the side effect is low white blood count.  Tuesday they took blood. We were told because of his blood test and they wanted to get his meds down to a minimum they extended his time in rehab by another week. I saw all the positives of this choice - more therapy, 1 on 1 assist so we could easily take breaks, and under doctor care with more eyes watching him.  This still had me emotional this day.  In the quiet of my day the tears would flow, the heartbreak of seeing my son in a rehab facility was not what I pictured on Thanksgiving Day or the day after.  Wednesday was Chris' birthday and our last family training. Kyle could not make it, he had business to attend to.  The doctors began to cut out some of Tyler's meds.  He was woke up after lunch and he was not in a good mood, add to that 4 hrs of stimulation with therapy and all of us there made for an irritated, aggravated Tyler. We ended up cancelling our training time and giving Tyler some space which resulted in a phone call an hour later wondering were I was.  I went to spend time with Tyler and he was very confused and aggravated. We ended up sitting in his room we put Lego's together and after dinner and meds he was in a better less confused state.  We had a really sweet time watching Golf and talking about him playing disc golf. I told him, fighting back the tears, how I would never wish or want to go through this car accident or a brain injury again but will miss all the time I have had hanging out with him. To which he responded "when he is 50 I could come live with him for a month."  Chris told me I should of recorded that one!!! I love my boy so much!!  Today, Thursday, I ask the nurse when she comes in if she needs to take blood since I thought they were doing it daily. She looked up his records and says his blood counts are good. They took blood Monday and Tuesday and Tuesday his numbers were fine.   This morning he is again very confused and aggravated.  We believe it is the adjustment to the meds, they have not lowered any more meds to allow his brain to adjust to not being constantly altered.  Praise for today Tyler did great on his memory test.  He seems to know why and where he is! Praise the Lord!

You may read this and not understand why this has been emotional and that is ok! It is emotional for me to see Tyler here everyday. I want him better, I want him home. I want him to be a normal boy as much as I want to be a normal mother!! I get it now more than ever that going through something like this you become mother of _____, you don't want to go out where people can see you because they want to ask a bunch of questions. I know people love me and are praying and I appreciate that, but there are times you want to be seen as you and not asked a bunch of questions. I feel like at rehab, at the hospitality house, between Ashley, Chris and I giving updates sometimes I just don't want to talk about it any more.  I know when Tyler is getting irritated with me when I am trying to talk to him about the accident so he understands because he says "I'm aware!"  I feel this way myself!  The best thing I believe is what happened today when I saw someone, she came up gave me a hug and told me she had been keeping up with Tyler through this blog and wanted me to know she was praying and we talked about her kids. I love her son Zachary!! He is a gem!! I hope this was not too forward, I really just don't want to repeat everything constantly. I need down time!! We all need down time!!

Today after going to the store with Kyle driving home I got an almost sick to my stomach feeling driving up the curvy road to the house. I wanted Kyle to show me where the accident happened. I literally backed up (i know dangerous) and stopped in the road and just looked. I cannot picture it. I see it and yet my brain will not let me picture it.  Thankful he did not hit the tree head on! Its a big tree. Thankful my Tyler is alive.  I have not seen the car and I am not sure I want to. I think I should have someone holding me, I may end up with a brain injury.  

I still replay that night and all that has happened and some how it seems crazy to me.  I can only imagine what Tyler feels not remembering it at all.  

I have been reminded daily reading an encouraging series by Robin Jones Gunn that God is not pacing around in heaven scratching His head or His beard thinking "I didn't see this coming."  He knew and he did some ground work for this to play out like it did.  It does not make it easier, it does not make it make sense, but it does provided me with peace to know I am not alone. Even in the quietness of the day the Lord is always with me and always knows what the next moment, hour, day will bring.  Although I live moment by moment some days the Lord knows what tomorrow will bring and He will never leave me or forsake me. Through all this He still loves me and loves Tyler more than I do.  He has plans for Tyler which include Him!!! Yes the Lord is good indeed and one day every knee will bow and every tongue confess Jesus is LORD!!!!

Jesus is my strength and my shield.  I can cry and yet He knows every tear that I shed! Now that's comfort!!!

How to continue praying? Tyler continal healing, irritation to calm, understanding he may feel well but still needs to heal. Won't leave and go back to normal work/school/ life.  Chris, Ashley and I to stay focused on the progress and not be focused on the steps backward. To love Tyler well through this time of confusion. To speak in a way that is clear and understnading!!