Truth be Told

 If the truth be told I have a real problem with fear of man. Yes, I fear the approval of man. You could say or the world would say it is low self-esteem or high self-esteem, but God would say fear of man- putting other's thoughts and opinions before what God says who I am.

Why? Maybe it started with a parent telling me it was my fault when a family member fondled me. Maybe it was my best friends dad that said I was trash. Maybe it was the teacher who would make fun of me because I couldn't spell or the fact that I was in last place every grading period on the hundreds race. Maybe it was because I was known as the ugly friend, or the "ugliest" guy in the bunch was the only one I could get to like me. There was that one guy in 5th grade who liked me, I had a crush on him for 3 years at least, he shaved his head and went from hero to zero- then he liked me. Maybe it was the year my best friend growing up decided she was sick of being a nobody and decided to move to the other side of the cafeteria to were the "cool" kids were. Maybe it is because of the time the principle did a drawing and said how the one who needed the hair cut the most won it and then called my name in front of the whole cafeteria. Maybe it was trying to make my stringy not really curly not really straight hair look good, I would have my mom perm my hair which earned me the nickname Micheal Jackson. Maybe it was high school when boys used me left and right. Maybe it was the fact that I was never really good at anything. I was just good enough to make the team but not good enough to be a player. Maybe it was being told how big I was growing up. Maybe it was the coach who said he knew what I did for the last year - eat and that is why I would not make the team my Senior Year. Maybe it was having a Father who I longed to hear how much he loved me, because in my eyes I was never worth much to him. Maybe it was having sisters I never thought I could live up to. Who knows why I have a fear of man- all I can tell you is that I do. And it rears it's head regularly! Maybe it is because I am so ashamed of who I was before Christ that I believe if people knew the real me they would never be my friend or want to associate with me.

There are so many maybes and ideas, even so Christ calls me to love Him first, for Him to be on the throne of my life. Yet if truth be told acceptance is my god most of the time. And when I do not feel accepted I coward back, I go into my shell. Get me around people and if someone won't talk to me I coward back. I try to talk to people, try to be the friend to all, I try to find common ground with those I am around and yet I find myself putting up fences, putting my guard up. I find myself feeling less than or greater than. I find myself sinking back into who I was and protecting myself. I have way too many times let people hear my real thoughts only to loose their friendship. I have spoke too much to have the person walk away and never talk to them again. Each time I try to be friends and it doesn't work I retort back to the girl in school who was the ugly friend or the one who was left on the other side of the cafeteria. Yes, I had friends but they did not invite me into their "friends". I did not have a group to hang out with and I was pretty much a loner. I found my worth in the guy I was dating and life was better there. The problem is that is still how I am deep down inside. I am so afraid to be found out I hide myself. This makes having long lasting friends hard, unless you find someone just like yourself.

I have to see just how strong of a hold my fear of man is. I feel it every time I am in a group and my anxiety sky rockets, I can't talk straight, can't think straight and often times offend others with my words or lack of words. It is easier in my little shell but it is painful here. I try to be all things to all people and don't want to be my own person. 

I really thought my kids would tell me I was good enough or could fit in through them. The truth be told I have lived and still live so much of my life wanting their approval of being their mom that their words hurt so much. Again proof of my fear of man. I remember dreading the days my kids would not want much to do with me- the first field trip they didn't want me to go. I took and take each comment to heart and they scare me dearly. I find myself wanting to do anything to get my kids to like me, to want to hang out with me. Truth be told, I believe Christ died for my sins but I also want to be special in others eyes. I want to be the one worth fighting for, the one whose hubby adores her and lavishes her with love and encouragement. See my fear of man is strong! Lord I pray you will help me to find your love satisfying! I know if I lost everything God would be enough, it's while I am around others that I see my fear of man creep in. 

I need time to heal from my fear, I need the Lord to gather me on His wings and help me not have resentment when I don't get the approval from man I long for. I also struggle with resentment. Yep its there, waiting to rear its ugly head.