It's a bright, bright Sunshiney Day!!

It is bright, bright Sunshiney Day! I am reminded by the sunshine today that God's grace abounds still more. No matter what the day is really like, one thing is true. God's mercy's are new every morning! The past few weeks have been a test of my hearts desire if I truly believe all that I say. I am stressed many days without knowing it. I stuff stress, anxiety, worry and other thoughts deep down. I guess it's that old saying "if you pretend it's not there it will go away!" Well, my stress and anxiety come out in my sleep, in my short temper, and in my ability to cry when no one is home. I would not dare cry when family is around, they would know something is wrong. I know when stress and anxiety is abounding still more because I want to cry when my plan gets pushed on. The last few weeks have been hard to fall asleep at night and when I finally do fall asleep, I am wide awake by dreams an hour or so later. Then struggle to get comfortable and fall asleep and do it all over again. The morning comes way too early and I fight to stay awake some days. 

People ask how we are doing. We are doing great! I see progress in Tyler and see God's Grace all around me. I can't complain. We are happily planning a wedding and we see such grace of the Lord for His provision for these two lives becoming one. We look forward to the day we get to do this again times 3! So why am I up at night worrying or having anxiety? I honestly cannot tell you one thing. I worry about my Sweet Pea. I fight the parts in me that tell me I am not enough. I fear that I will be awoke again to another life changing moment. And all the while knowing that God has this and He knows every hair on my head and the days ahead. I feel as if I don't know everything and have to fill in the gaps. Those gaps is where my mind can go down a slippery slope. 

Tyler has dates for both his tests and instead of this being a comfort, in the midst of the night this becomes my nightmare. He goes for his driving test on May 3rd and his Neuropyche test on June 6th. I think he is ready, I have confidence in him, and once again here's the anxiety, what if I am wrong? What if something goes wrong and he "fails" these tests? God is sovereign! I know that and believe that, but how will that change things? I have this false sense of security that my kids are safe when they are under my roof. Maybe it's this false security that spurs up dreams when I talk to my Sweet pea. She is not under my roof and when we talk, I am plagued with nightmares all night about her. I cannot control my dreams, I repent and pray when I awake and many times my hubby wakes up and snuggles me and prays us back to sleep. It is a sweet time for him and I. 

While praying for our family over the next couple of weeks (if you think about us) would you pray for all my anxiety, worry and fear? During the day I think I do well to remember God's promises, it's the night time that gets me! Also, would you pray for my Sweet Pea? She is having some health problems, she is going for some testing as soon as insurance gets straightened out. She has not been right since her Senior year in High School (2yrs now). It would be nice to have some answers. Pray for Tyler and his upcoming tests, that whatever the results we know God is in control and there are NO surprises with Him. Pray for Kyle and Katelyn and their process of planning their wedding, they want a wedding that is pleasing to Christ and is a worshipful time of displaying His mercy and His grace. Pray they are able to keep the focus on Christ and not themselves. Actually, could you pray this for our whole family? While all our lives are being pushed and pulled on that we would keep our eyes on Christ and on eternity and not on ourselves. 

We are doing great and life is getting on a familiar schedule. Really when I see what others are going through my worries and anxiety are a little foolish. I have so much going for me and yet in my sinful flesh I want more and see what I don't have. I get wrapped up in my little world and don't put others before myself. I realize how much it takes for my mind to work through the past. There are times I just want it to go away. I don't want to be reminded of the past, I just want to look to the future. I want life to pick up where it is right now and proceed and not dig into the past to fix the future. After all, life is 10% what happens to you and 90% of how you respond to it! I don't want to close my eyes any more and see flash backs to things in my life weather they are ways I responded and acted or things I have seen my kids go through. There are a couple images of Tyler that haunt me day and night. There are images of how terrible I have acted that haunt me. There are images of my dad that haunt me.  I want to stay positive and remember only the good days, the days we laughed so hard we cried or peed our pants!!

I want life to be a celebration - ALWAYS!!! Celebrate what good has happened, what JOY brings!! 

This is my life as I know it and right here it gets honest. For the record I never sit down and think I am going to pour my heart and truth out! It just flows sometimes!! And if one person is encouraged because they don't feel alone or one person seeks God, it is well worth it!! God gets all the glory! There is nothing in my life good that does not come from HIM and HIM ALONE!!!

Lamentations 3:22-23  (ESV)

22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;[a]
    his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.

Psalm 91 (NLT)

Psalm 91

1 Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
    will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
    he is my God, and I trust him.
3 For he will rescue you from every trap
    and protect you from deadly disease.
4 He will cover you with his feathers.
    He will shelter you with his wings.
    His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
5 Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
    nor the arrow that flies in the day.
6 Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
    nor the disaster that strikes at midday.

Matthew 10
28 Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in [x]hell. 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a [y]cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.30 But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.